Unbeatable
Few things have me react stronger than news and stories on child abuse, whether it be by strangers or by their own parents - under the cover of being a part of the kid’s upbringing. Abuse can be physical or mental, both equally sad and frustrating. We are fortunate to live in the richest parts of our world - still, some of our children are not living the rich and rewarding lifes they originally should have been born into.
Where I live, in Norway, parents have not been allowed to lay hands on their kids for decades now. I do however spend a lot of time online, mainly in US dominated settings, and the things I read and discuss there has had me overwhelmingly frustrated more than once. This little essay, if you want, is my way of trying to explain my feelings on the subject when not being in the middle of what usually turn into pretty heated debates. We do have these debates here too, but they’re more on the level on which methods to use to _prevent_ conflicts at home, not how to solve already existing conflicts. Actually, it wasn’t until I started posting at American boards that I discovered the way I’m raising my kids have a name - attachment parenting. Not only “labeled”, but also commonly looked at with quite the extent of scepticism. I was baffled at first, I thought everyone raised their kids with the AP philosophy - unconsciously or not - in mind.
Below are a few reasons why I’ve stopped posting at regular US women’s boards - because at those kinds of boards, talking about your kids is a big part of being there. When reading it you might think that I’m trying to build an image of me being a saint, but I have to make it clear that the general attitudes found among American parents is extremely different from the common attitudes among Scandinaves, this is not something I in particular feel.
A two year old toddler was permanently locked out from her parents’ bedroom at night, because they were fed up with being disturbed. Most people replying in that thread supported the parents’ decision (and those who didn’t were told that they could either offer support or shut up). I cried in frustration. If you are not gonna satisfy your own children’s need for closeness, comfort and security, then why bring them into the world in the first place..?
Advice on how to best punish your kids when they throw a tantrum are commonly asked for. I’ve yet to see someone ask for advice on how to avoid getting in that situation in the first place.
There seems to be a fairly strong acceptance among Americans that children are the property of their parents, and God forbid should anyone tell you how to raise them. On the same note, children are not to be respected the same way as adults are - respect is apparently something you only can earn by being a wellbehaved grownup. The term “respecting a child’s integrity” is only shrugged off.
On the subject of parental smacking/ spanking, a common attitude is it made me a better person, I deserved it, and they (parents) did it because they love me. My concern is partly with those who didn’t grow up to become “better persons”, but actually were mentally (and even physically) wounded for life. I’m also not convinced about the degree of “betterness” claimed, because I simply can’t find it a “good” attitude to think of it as ok to hit a child, however “loving” that swap is. Did you know that in the UK, 1 child dies every week from domestic violence? Is parental spanking not domestic violence? What if your partner hit you - what would you call that?
I could also elaborate on the general level of violence in the countries allowing parents to hit their kids compared to those that don’t (Norway being a natural example, as spanking has been banned here for decades), but even how tempting it might be, I realize that things are a bit more complicated. Still, it makes you think, doesn’t it?
A lot of people, politicians especially, seem to be quite worried about he parents’ rights if parental spanking should be banned. They feel that it’s wrong that a parent should fear punishment because of how s/he brings up a child. I feel that it’s _very_ wrong that a child should fear its parents. I also wonder what happened to the children’s rights in all this. I believe in rewarding positive behaviour rather than spending the time punishing negative behaviour. I believe that kids aren’t evil, that there probably is a reason for most tantrums that could have been avoided had the parent been a tiny bit more alert. Kids don’t always behave rationally - shouldn’t the adults be good examples instead of acting just as irrational as the frustrated child? Do you smack your friend or co-worker when you find their behaviour intolerable?
Do you find my comparisons silly? Really, honest? Well, silly doesn’t even begin to describe what I think of parental spanking.
Literature, anyone?
The book Your Competent Child by Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has gained much attention. I deeply recommend it, it’s a huge help for parents trying to understand and appreciate their children’s behaviour. This comment from a reader pretty much sums it up:
“Everything from getting my kids to sleep, to getting them ready in the morning, to mealtimes, to playtime has been dramatically affected - and improved - by what I’ve learned from Juul. I take my kids seriously now. I know that must sound ridiculous - of course, I’ve always taken the “task” of parenting seriously - but now I take them seriously. Their fears, their wishes, their anger, their sadness, their joy, their dreams (and my own, as well!). This doesn’t mean my children are in charge; it just means I’m trying to treat them as the real people they are. I’m trying to give them what they need, not necessarily what they want.”
Other relevant links:
In the UK papers:
